Those papers make it so concrete though. HA! As if anything is concrete in this military lifestyle... Those papers make it more concrete and instead of the giant sigh of relief I knew I'd feel when he finally came home with them, I have been filled with a panic and anxiety so real I can't stand it.
I find myself throughout the day, sitting in my sweatpants and t-shirt thinking "gosh, I guess I won't be wearing sweats for the next three years!" I find myself in the kitchen, sauteing zucchini, wondering if they have that in Okinawa. I debate buying the chicken rotisserie I want now, not knowing if I can buy whole chickens in Okinawa because I think of them as more a seafood eating people and have heard nightmares about meats at the commissary. I knew there were bigger issues I'd face, but the everyday wondering is exhausting.
The panic over having to start over with a new car and house and base housing versus living in town. The panic of only having a short time left in the states and four months of goodbyes. The fear that when I visit Nan next month, that the three days I have to spend with her are going to be our last together. The very real possibility that I won't get everything I need to get done, done and Gene will leave before me and I'll have to travel all by myself if I'm even cleared to go!
And that brings me to the nightmare stories of others' experiences. The unsolicited advice about how I'll just hate the humidity and how it rains all the time! The well meaning "but you'll love it when you get there" comments that make me want to throat punch people because everyone says that and yet I want to be allowed to grieve right now and experience the ups along with the downs on this journey.
I think of it all, and I cry.
|I even cried in barre class the other day. I just feel defeated.|
Then I get mad at myself because I know Okinawa presents itself with such a grand adventure for us. I get mad at myself for being selfish. I get mad at myself for not just focusing on the positive. I get mad, and I cry even more.
All I want to do is dream about riding my beach cruiser over to the markets and beaches. I want to dream about the trips we'll get to take and the things we'll get to see. I want to dream about stepping on foreign soil for the first time in my life and breathing the air a day ahead of all my friends and family. I want to put the unknown aside and focus on the beauty of this season of our life, but this season of our life is killing me emotionally.
I guess you only want to hear about the rainbows that come from moving overseas, but I gave up hypocrisy for Lent, and I'm keeping it real.